If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.

如果你死在电梯里，一定要按向上按钮。

If you don't get everything you want, think of the things you don't get that you don't want.

如果你没有得到你想要的一切，想想那些你没有得到你不想要的东西。

If you get a diagnosis, get on a therapy, keep a good attitude and keep your sense of humor.

如果你得到诊断，接受治疗，保持良好的态度，保持你的幽默感。

If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings.'

如果你必须用一个词来说明人类没有实现、也永远不会实现其全部潜力的原因，那么这个词就是“会议”。

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

如果你对别人没有什么好话要说，就坐到我旁边来。

If you love something set it free, but don't be surprised if it comes back with herpes.

如果你喜欢某样东西，就把它放出来，但如果它带回来疱疹，不要惊讶。

If you pretend to be good, the world takes you very seriously. If you pretend to be bad, it doesn't. Such is the astounding stupidity of optimism.

如果你假装很好，这个世界会很严肃地对待你。如果你假装很坏，它不会。这就是乐观主义令人震惊的愚蠢。

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

如果你告诉人们你和上帝交谈，他们会认为你是虔诚的教徒，但如果你说上帝和你交谈，十有八九他们会认为你疯了。

If you think anyone is sane you just don't know enough about them.

如果你认为任何人都是理智的，那你只是对他们了解得不够。

If you think you know everything; you know nothing. If you think you know nothing; you know something.

如果你认为自己无所不知;你什么都不知道。如果你认为自己一无所知;你知道吗。

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

如果你想失败，又想成功，你做过什么?

If you two need my help, just scream.

如果你们两个需要我的帮助，就叫一声。

If you want to know what God thinks of money, look at the people He gives it to.

如果你想知道上帝对钱的看法，看看他把钱给了谁。

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

如果你要拍哑剧，你会用消音器吗?

If you were me, then I'd be you, and if I were you, then I'd hide somewhere far away.

如果你是我，我会是你，如果我是你，我会躲到很远的地方。