I've got to keep breathing. It'll be my worst business mistake if I don't.

我得继续呼吸。如果我不这样做，那将是我最严重的商业错误。

I've got to start listening to those quiet, nagging doubts.

我必须开始倾听那些安静的、烦人的怀疑。

I've had great success being a total idiot.

当一个彻头彻尾的白痴，我获得了巨大的成功。

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

我听说努力工作不会导致死亡，但是我说为什么要冒这个险呢?

I've learned that it doesn't matter how your husband squeezes the toothpaste, the important thing is how he squeezes you.

我明白了，你丈夫怎么挤牙膏并不重要，重要的是他怎么挤你。

I've learned to have a sense of humor about myself. Lord knows everyone else does!

我学会了对自己有幽默感。上帝知道每个人都知道!

I've made a lot of grown men cry with laughter, because I really am quite the joke.

我让很多成年男人笑哭了，因为我真的是一个十足的笑话。

I've never killed a man, but I've read many an obituary with a great deal of satisfaction.

我从未杀过人，但我读过许多讣告，感到心满意足。

I've noticed that when people are joking they're usually dead serious, and when they're serious, they're usually pretty funny.

我注意到，当人们开玩笑的时候，他们通常非常严肃，当他们严肃的时候，他们通常非常有趣。

I've often wondered what makes a relationship last. I guess the best answer is it's the one right after the next to the last one.

我常常想知道是什么让一段感情能够长久。我想最好的答案是紧挨着最后一个。

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

如果上帝掉下酸，他会看见人吗?

If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would have made them cute and furry.

如果上帝想让我们关心癞蛤蟆的困境，他会让它们变得可爱和毛茸茸的。

If I can't get the girl, at least give me more money.

如果我找不到那个女孩，至少给我更多的钱。

If I was on the road to Hell, at least I was going in style.

如果我在通往地狱的路上，至少我是在赶时髦。

If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, of what, then, is an empty desk a sign?

如果一张杂乱的桌子是思想混乱的标志，那么一张空桌子是什么标志呢?