If only the hat had mentioned a house for people who felt a bit queasy, that would have been the one for him.

如果这顶帽子提到一所房子是为那些感到有点恶心的人准备的，那么它就是他想要的房子。

If sharks really can smell blood, then I’d imagine they’re all salivating over my erection right now.

如果鲨鱼真的能闻到血的味道，那么我可以想象它们现在都在为我的勃起而垂涎三尺。

If something is going to happen to me, I want to be there.

如果有什么事要发生在我身上，我想去那里。

If the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts.

如果事实与理论不符，那就改变事实。

If the second date seems to be going well, it's pretty much a given that by dessert I'll renounce my faith.

如果第二次约会进展顺利，我很有可能会放弃对甜点的信仰。

If the world should blow itself up, the last audible voice would be that of an expert saying it can't be done.

如果世界真的要自我毁灭，最后一个能听到的声音将是一位专家说这是不可能的。

If the world were perfect, it wouldn't be.

如果世界是完美的，它就不会是完美的。

If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?

如果没有愚蠢的问题，那么愚蠢的人会问什么样的问题呢?他们会及时聪明地提出问题吗?

If there is anyone here whom I have not insulted, I beg his pardon.

如果这里有谁没有受到我的侮辱，请原谅。

If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.

如果这是咖啡，请给我来点茶;但如果这是茶，请给我来点咖啡。

If we're not supposed to eat animals, how come they're made out of meat?

如果我们不应该吃动物，为什么它们是肉做的?

If you can do a half-assed job of anything, you're a one-eyed man in a kingdom of the blind.

如果你能把任何事情做得半途而废，你就是盲人王国里的一个独眼人。

If you can't win by reason, go for volume.

如果你不能因为理智而赢，那就多听。

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

如果你不能摆脱家族的骨架，你不妨让它跳舞。

If you could choose one characteristic that would get you through life, choose a sense of humor.

如果你可以选择一个能让你度过一生的特点，那就选择幽默感。