To punish me for my contempt for authority, fate made me an authority myself.

为了惩罚我对权威的蔑视，命运让我自己成为了权威。

To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone.

人生要想成功，有三样东西不可缺少:愿望骨、毅力和幽默感。

Today the outlandish becomes routine overnight. The humorist is trying to say that it's still outlandish.

今天，这种稀奇古怪的事一夜之间就成了家常便饭。幽默家想说的是，这仍然很古怪。

Today was good. Today was fun. Tomorrow is another one.

今天很好。今天很有趣。明天又是新的一天。

Total absence of humor renders life impossible.

完全缺乏幽默感使生活变得不可能。

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.

悲剧是我割破了手指。喜剧是当你掉入一个敞开的下水道而死。

True evil is always petty and often incompetent.

真正的邪恶总是心胸狭窄，常常无能为力。

True humor springs not more from the head than from the heart. It is not contempt; its essence is love. It issues not in laughter, but in still smiles, which lie far deeper.

真正的幽默不是来自头脑，而是来自内心。这不是轻蔑;它的本质是爱。它不是在笑声中产生的，而是在深沉得多的微笑中产生的。

Truth would quickly cease to be stranger than fiction, once we got as used to it.

一旦我们习惯了，真理很快就不再比小说更离奇了。

Try not to have a good time... this is supposed to be educational.

尽量不要玩得开心……这应该是有教育意义的。

Try not to wake up on fire.

试着不要在火中醒来。

Turns out that sometimes, faith and a sense of humor really can be all you need.

事实证明，有时候，你所需要的只是信念和幽默感。

Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.

有两件事是无限的:宇宙和人类的愚蠢;我对宇宙也不是很确定。

Two wrongs don't make a right, but they make a good excuse.

别人错了，不等于你对了，但你可以借故改正。

V-Day…if you need this one day in a year to show everyone else you truly care for “your loved one” I think it’s quite stupid. I hate this commercialism. It’s all artificial, and has nothing to do with real love

如果你想在一年中的某一天向所有人表达你对“你爱的人”的真正关心，我认为这是非常愚蠢的。我讨厌这种商业主义。一切都是人为的，与真爱无关